Mindless Self Indulgence
by XPoeticallyxIncorrectX
Summary: Sasuke only wants attention from the one he loves most, But his lover's constant travelling has lead him to seek affection from other sources. But as long as he doesn't fall in love with anyone else, its not cheating right? NaruSasu. R&R.
1. Chapter 1

Trouble has a great way of finding me. It's almost as if I'm a magnet for complications. I'd like to blame bad luck, unfortunate timing, and any celestial being. But at the end of the day, I know its my lack of self-control. I give into temptation way too easily.

I need constant affection and attention.

I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. I don't ask for expensive clothes, a nice car, or even a glamorous home. None of that is important to me. But for whatever reason, my boyfriend can't afford to give me those two simple things.

His world doesn't have to revolve around me, but it would be nice for once in his life if he said something nice to me. The only time we speak to each other these days is when he is telling me he is going out of town for his job.

It doesn't bother me as much as it used to. In fact, I celebrate in his absence. Why? Because crying isn't fun and doesn't make time go by faster.

He lightly taps on the door to get my attention. "Hey, I'm going out of town for the weekend to meet with a client."

I briefly stopped applying eyeliner and glance at him. "That's fine." Him leaving for periods of time is nothing brand new. As frustrating as it is, there wasn't anything I could do about it. His job is what pays the rent of our shared apartment. Though, it mostly just feels like I'm living by myself. I go back to my task, without saying anything further. There was nothing to be said. He had already made up his mind about leaving, so all I can do is make the most of his absence.

Apparently, the curt treatment wasn't enough to make him leave right away. "Look, I'm sorry I'm gone so often but-"

I turn around sharply. "I said it's fine. I understand that your job requires you to leave. It just..." I sigh, not wanting to get caught up in my emotions. "It just sucks, okay?"

When his strong, tan arms wrap around my waist, my qualms went silent. "I know." He kisses my temple. "And I'm sorry."

As much as I don't want to indulge myself in his embrace, the warmth drew me in. "I forgive you." I whisper. Besides, its not like I haven't made several bad choices in my life. Neither of us are perfect, but at least he's apologized for what he's done.

I still haven't owned up to my mistakes, and I probably never will.

:::...:::...:::...:::

I sat in my best friend Sakura's, living room for almost half an hour. She always bitches about me taking forever to get ready, but she takes twice as much time. The sad thing is, she always ends up looking half as good as me.

She finally emerges from her room, wearing a tight, little black dress that didn't leave much to the imagination. It suits her figure well; accentuating the little curves she does have. She feels as if she looks great, and she does just not in comparison to me. And she let me know that by the look on her face. "Oh my god. You look amazing."

I flip my straightened hair over my shoulder and smirk. "I know."

"Who are you trying to look for?"

There is one person in particular, but his schedule is so hectic and unfortunately he isn't a creature of habit. I never know when I will run into him, hence the reason I have to look good all the time. Well that and, I like turning heads. "Everyone." I reply with a shrug.

"You're such a fucking tease."

I smirk. "I know."

She looks at me up and down one last time as we walk out of her place. "Is your boyfriend okay with you going out like this?"

"One, he doesn't own me. Two, he isn't here, and three what he doesn't know won't hurt him." There are rumors flying around about my not so faithfulness, but as far as Naruto is concerned, they are just rumors started by jealous people who want to break us up. He'll always believe me over anyone else. I don't deserve it, but I'm not going to risk losing his trust by telling him the truth.

I know its very counterproductive, but I can't do anything about it now. What's done is done.

:::...:::...:::...:::

The line to get into the exclusive nightclub, Envii, extends half a city block. The club owner is very selective over who is allowed to enter. He prefers good looking and well mannered people only. Of course, since he does run the business for the sole purpose of profiting, he will let anyone with the right amount of cash in.

Sakura grabs my arm. "Where are you going? The end of the line is all the way back there."

"The line is for unattractive people who don't have any connections." I strut to the entrance, earning a few glares from people who have been waiting for hours. It must suck to be them. Who gets all dressed up to wait in line anyway? They should try going somewhere they can actually get into.

The bouncer tries hard to remain professional when he sees me.

"This is my plus one." I gesture to Sakura.

He nods, allowing us both in without any objection.

"Do you know him?" She seemed amazed by what just happened.

"I may or may not have blown him a few days ago." I'm not ashamed of the deed. I made it clear to him that I would do it only if he granted me and whoever I wanted uncontested access to the club.

Her jaw dropped. There is a part of her that believes that me having a boyfriend would tame the slutty side of me.

"C'mon honey, don't act so surprised. I mean it is me we're talking about." I didn't earn the title 'Town Whore' for nothing.

She composes herself when we take a seat at the bar. We have known each other since we were in diapers, maybe even before then. Hardly anything I do manages to surprise her. The only exception was when I told her I am in a serious relationship with someone. She took the news with a grain of salt.

"You're right. I shouldn't be surprised."

I didn't miss the implication in her tone. "Why must you always make me feel guilty?"

"Because you should! It's not fair to Na-"

"Don't you dare say his name. Not tonight."

"But-"

I put my finger on her lips, not caring that I'm ruining her lipstick. "Enough. I came here to have fun, not bring up personal problems." I'm fully aware that all my current problems were caused by my own decisions, but that isn't an important fact now. I have all of tomorrow to feel shitty about whatever decision I choose to make tonight.

:::...:::...:::...:::

After a few shots, I found myself dancing on some random guy. I didn't mind his erection grinding into my backside, nor the dirty things he whispered into my ear. I let his hands travel everywhere he wants them to. My knees nearly gave out when I felt his teeth clamp down on the most sensitive area of my neck.

It felt amazing.

Somewhere in the vicinity, I can feel Sakura's disapproving stare burning into my soul.

I tell myself that it is okay.

There is no emotional or physical attraction to this man. It's just a dance. I have no intentions of sleeping with him. If we keep dancing like this, there would be no need to. He'll get what he wants, take a break, and find someone else to satisfy him.

It's an unspoken contract; one without bounds.

In retrospect, I think it was stuff like this that has gotten me the way that I am. It started off simple; flirting shamelessly with anyone who glances at me followed by mindlessly grinding on them for several hours. I just kept telling myself that if there is no emotional attachment, then its okay if we end up sleeping together.

I'm not cheating, if I haven't fallen in love with someone else. That little loophole excuses everything I have done and will do. Because at the end of the day, I only love my boyfriend. Everyone else is just little toys for my entertainment.

When the song ends, I start to walk away. However, the man I was with had other plans. He pulls me back toward him, my chest meeting his hard abs. "Wanna go to my place, or yours?"

Before I could even answer, I was being dragged away by Sakura. I forgot about her impractical strength; at times it proved to be very convenient. My heart was saying that she was doing the right thing, but my brain was too disoriented to agree.

"What the fuck Sakura?"

"I'm not going to sit by and let you make another mistake." As she rushes me out of the club, we passed so many potential "mistakes". Each one looking better than the last.

Deep down, I know she means well. I don't struggle to get away from her. Its for the best that I get out of here as soon as possible.

:::...:::...:::...:::

Waking up alone in my bed is an odd feeling. I haven't slept alone in years. I don't believe beds were meant for just one person, no matter how small it is. I can't count the number of times I made Sakura sleep over when I haven't found someone good enough to fuck.

When I saw her walk out of my bathroom, I felt relief. "We're you here last night?"

She looks at me as if I had asked her the dumbest question in the world. "Where else would I be?"

I shrugged. I know she gets tired of babysitting me. But like the good friend she is, she would never abandon me. She would feel too bad, and I would make things worse by making her feel bad. I don't give her enough credit when dealing with me.

Sometimes I can't help but to think how unfair all of this is to her. She has her own life to live, but my choices don't allow her to focus on herself. "Do you hate me?" I question.

She sighs. "If I hated you, I wouldn't stay up with you, drying your tears. I wouldn't drop everything I'm doing to come comfort you. I would never spend the night with you in spite of your fear of being alone. Yes, being friends with you is a heavy burden, but one I carry in stride."

I open my mouth to thank her, but nothing came out. I know my words could never convey the amount of gratitude I have for her. I grab her and pull her into a strong embrace.

She ruffles my hair. "You're awfully affectionate today."

I chuckle. I'm not the nicest person in the morning. "Its only because you cock-blocked me last night."

"I was doing you a favor. You should have seen the guy you were dancing with."

Of course I was too drunk to consider people's looks. She is honestly one of the best things to ever happen to me. "I'm hungry. Let's get breakfast, my treat." It was the least I could do for her.

:::...:::...:::...:::

"You need to get laid." I announced suddenly, making her choke on her tea.

"What?"

"You. Need. To. Get. Laid."

She narrows her eyes at me. "Its kinda hard to when I'm so busy worrying about your love life."

I roll my eyes. "I don't make bad decisions all the time."

"Yeah, only when you're awake." She quips.

I throw a sugar packet at her. "Fuck you!"

"I would if half the town hasn't already." She replies with a smirk.

"You think you're funny."

She sits back in her chair, feeling satisfied. ''Just a little bit."

Before I could retort, I noticed one of the worst people to have ever lived walk in the cafe. This town is fairly large, so for him to have come here of all places is nothing more than bad luck. "Great. So much for having a good morning." I muttered.

Sakura subtly looks over her shoulder. "Oh shit. Do you want to leave?"

I shake my head. "If I leave, that means he wins."

She looks confused. "Wins what?"

"Its a territorial thing. You wouldn't understand."

"Is this about-"

Sai walks over to our table, cutting her question off. "Sasuke, what a surprise seeing you here. I didn't think you were a morning person."

I'd have to be completely stupid to miss what he actually meant. "I'm not. But I can't sleep since Naruto isn't here." I smirk at his slight change in demeanor.

"Speaking of Naruto, how have you two been?"

"Just. Fine." I answer curtly.

He raises an eyebrow that is in dire need of being plucked. "Really?" He questions as if he knows otherwise. He may be one of Naruto's closest friends, but that doesn't mean he knows anything about our relationship. "We should have dinner sometime, Sasuke."

I would rather gauge my eyes out with a rusty dull knife. "I don't know, I'm pretty busy."

"I think it would be beneficial for both of us. How about tomorrow at seven?"

I put on the most fake smile I could manage. "I can't wait."

:::...:::...:::...:::

There are at least fifty things I can think of that I'd rather do than spend an evening with a person who wishes they were me. Sitting across from him is like looking at one of those fun house mirrors that distorts your image on top of having botched botox and nose surgery.

I'll give him points for trying. I doubt its easy trying to look good.

"I'm glad you decided to join me."

I run my finger around the rim of my glass. "Well you know, a friend of Naruto's is a friend of mine." That was the farthest thing from the truth as it can get.

He flashes a fake smile. "As Naruto's friend, I only want the best for him."

"I want nothing more than the same."

He chuckles. "It doesn't seem that way."

The nerve of this fucking bastard. "Excuse you?"

"I know all about your little slutty affairs." He asserts coldly.

I wasn't fazed by his statement, everyone knows about what I do. But the only person that matters, doesn't believe any of it. "And I suppose you're going to tell Naruto all about it. Well let me tell you something, its your word against mine. And he'll believe me over you."

He looks as if he has a card hidden in his sleeve. "You don't understand how much influence I have over him. All I have to do is call him and your future together will be over."

I try to remain composed. This was a battle that I refuse to lose. "With the ways things are going, I doubt we'll even have a future."

He laughs, wholeheartedly. "You really are dense Uchiha. You're so focused on your instant gratification that you can't see all that he's doing for you."

That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want to admit it, but he does have a point. I don't know what Naruto thinks about us, because I never thought to ask. We might have a good thing going for us, but I'm so self-absorbed that I can't see it. "If I tell him, it will ruin everything."

He stands up, preparing to leave. "You made your grave, now lie in it."

:::...:::...:::...:::

I did everything I could to delay this moment. I stayed with Sakura for the rest of the night, not sure whether I should just tell him or go on living with this huge lie. I didn't tell her about what I was thinking, because I didn't want her opinion to further cloud my judgment. I didn't sleep peacefully; I didn't sleep at all actually. I kept replaying Sai's words over in my head. I want to take the easy way out, but eventually it will all catch up to us.

The drive home was the most tense ride I've ever experienced. I was hoping desperately that he wouldn't be here. I parked next to his car, shattering that hope into small pieces.

I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for my world to fall apart. Why couldn't I have realized that my life means nothing without him sooner?

My body starts trembling. Three years of lying has made it difficult to tell the truth. As much as I don't want to tell him anything, we can't move on unless I do. It's not fair to him or to anyone that I have dragged into this."N-Naruto?"

He emerges from the kitchen with a concerned look on his face. "What's wrong koi?"

Hearing that pet name was like being sucker punched in the gut. I stumbled to the couch, using the arm rest as support. He rushes over to me, carefully guiding my body on the couch. The attentiveness he's showing me now makes everything I've been doing behind his back look incredibly stupid. I hadn't realized that I was crying until he started wiping my cheeks with his fingers.

I don't want to lose him. I never wanted to lose him. I'm just an attention seeking whore who can't make good decisions.

"I'm so sorry." I choke out, trying so hard not to break down. "I am so sorry Naruto."

"What? Why? What happened?"

I take a few deep breathes with the hope that it would calm me down. It only serves to fray my nerves even further. When he tries to embrace me, I push him away and stand up. "They were right!" I manage to blurt out. "They were right about me all along!"

He looked confused at first, but as the silence settled he slowly started to piece things together. "Please tell me that you are not talking about those rumors of you cheating on me."

"They aren't rumors Naruto...they're true." I look away from him, not wanting to see how bad the truth would hurt him.

"All this time...I've been defending you..." His voice was calm like a storm just waiting to happen. "And you've been sleeping with half the town!?"

"I-"

"Shut up!" He roars. I take several steps back, not knowing if his wrath will escalate to physical violence. "Do you have any idea how stupid I look claiming you would never do anything like that? How people thought I was an absolute idiot for wanting to marry you?! I thought you fucking loved me and you go and do some shit like this!"

All I wanted to do was assure him how much I love him. "Na-"

"Don't you open your mouth, you fucking slut." My breath hitched audibly when he said that. I never thought that he of all people would call me that, even if I deserve that harsh label. He pulls something out of his pocket causing me to flinch.

It was a small, navy velvet box. "This is what I have been working so hard for. For us. I wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives. But this isn't good enough for you is it?"

"Yes! Naruto, its all I've ever wanted. But you were always so busy..." I trail off when he starts shaking his head and chuckling bitterly.

"Don't try to make this my fault. You're the one who can't keep their legs closed."

This hurts. Knowing that I screwed up what might be the best thing that has happened to me, hurts. "That's because you never showed me that you cared! You'll disappear for weeks, months even. How I am supposed to know that you love me when you're always gone?!"

"You're right. I made the mistake of putting my job before you, but that was an honest mistake. You _chose _to cheat instead of talking to me about it." I retreat as he takes deliberate steps toward me. He shoves the box into my hands. "Keep that as a reminder of what could have been."

My body went numb as I watched my chance of a happy future walk out of the door.

I couldn't even beg him to stay.


	2. Chapter 2

All I could do was stare at the box in my hands. I couldn't bring myself to open it because I know it would only make me feel worse. Granted, I do deserve it. This box holds the key to our future. The future that I ruined because I'm a fucking idiot.

There so much I could have done to prevented this from happening. I'm almost mad at myself for being honest. I should have waited until after he proposed. Then I would have stopped having all these meaningless affairs. Or maybe I should have waited until we were married. Then perhaps he would be more willing to work things out.

Why did I let Sai get to me? I should have just called his bluff and deny whatever he had to say about the matter. I honestly doubt his influence over Naruto was greater than mine. What's a best friend compared to a good fuck? I actually can't remember the last time Naruto and I slept together. It felt like such a long time ago. But I do remember it was one of the best nights of my life. And I threw it all away to provide some other ungrateful men a great time in bed.

That's the only thing I can provide people with. Not lifelong happiness or insightful advice. When some people think of me, they don't see me as a responsible adult. The only thing I'm responsible for is breaking up other people's relationships. Some people don't think I'm trustworthy, or worthy of any decent treatment.

I'm lower than scum in a lot of people's eyes.

I looked down at the box and start crying. I could have been so much more. I could have been the one that puts a smile on his face every morning, but instead I chose to be the person he hates. I could have had the one thing I wanted all along, if I had just waited patiently.

Who was I kidding thinking a relationship like this would even work out? Not a single person believed that we would even last this long. I even had my doubts, but Naruto never did. He always thought that in spite of whatever life throws at us, we could handle it together.

I place the box on the coffee table in front of me.

I want to convince myself that this is for the best, but I can't. It would be great if I could just accept that Naruto will be happier with someone else, but I'm too selfish to let him go. I'd rather him suffer silently in ignorance, than to let him be with someone else.

My mind is desperate. I grab my phone and frantically dial his number, in spite of the low chance he'll pick up. I just want to hear his voice again. I don't care if he screams at me. I don't care if every word he says is filled with soul splitting hatred.

"_The caller you are trying to reach has calling restrictions which has prevented the completion of your call." _

Hearing that cold automated voice made my heart clench. The phone slides out of my hand and falls to the ground with a small thud. It has barely been a few hours and he's already blocked my number. I wish I was more equipped to deal with the disappointment of him not answering.

I decide to call the one person who swore to be there for me no matter what.

She answers relatively quick much to my relief. "Hey Sasuke, what's up?"

Before I open my mouth to tell everything, I heard a distinctive male voice in the background. She assures the male that everything is fine. Its not fair to her if she has to ditch her date for me. It's incredibly selfish of me to expect her to be there for me all the time. I wonder how many dates she's had to pass up for my sake. I won't let this one be apart of that extensive list. For once, she deserves the chance to be happy. I hang up the phone without saying anything. It's for the best.

At least one of us won't be miserable.

:::...:::...:::...:::

I barely register someone walking in the front door. I heard a gasp and the sound of rapid footsteps. I'm enveloped in a warm embrace. The smell of cherry blossoms made me feel slightly at ease. She didn't ask me any questions, berate for being an idiot, or congratulate me for finally telling the truth.

We could stay like this for the rest of our lives and it wouldn't bother either of us. There is no better feeling in the world compared to the way she comforts me. We have been through so much together, and where most people would throw up their hands and quit, she stays.

All she does for me, and the only thing I can offer her is access to any exclusive venue in town.

There isn't a single thing I could offer her that would make up for even half the stuff she's done for me. I'd love to do something great for her, like get her a boyfriend, but my own love life is a mess. I would never want her to follow in my footsteps.

"How was your date?" I question after about an hour of just sitting in silence. I just want to take my mind off of how pathetic my life is.

She snorts. "I didn't go."

"Why?" I asked, even though I knew exactly why.

"Because I knew something was up when you called me."

"I could have accidentally dialed your number."

She brushes a few stray hairs out of my face. "Yeah, but you didn't though." I never dial anyone's number by accident. I memorized the numbers of every significant person in my life. Her number hasn't changed since the fifth grade.

"You didn't have to come."

She sighs. "Yes I did. You needed me, and I can't in all good conscience go out and have fun while you're sitting here all miserable." She tries to get me to look at her, but my eyes only focused on one thing. I can feel her heart beat quicker when her eyes laid upon the small box. "He proposed to you?"

I shake my head solemnly. "I told him before he had the chance."

"Oh wow. I'm so sorry."

"Its not your fault." Its no one's fault but my own. Before I allowed myself to sink back into self-loathing, I remembered that I'm not the only one that missed out on something great tonight. "Call him." My situation is hopeless, but there was still some hope for her.

"Huh?"

"Call your date, and reschedule."

She smiles. "I will. But first, lets get outta here. Its filled with bad vibes." She pulls my hand back when she notices me reaching for the small box. "Leave it, you'll only hurt worse if you take it with you."

That was the point. He wanted me to keep for the sole purpose of having it cause me torment. I can't really fathom the depth of his pain. I knew he would be upset, as expected, but in any other instance, he would at least be willing to talk things out.

I guess this was his breaking point.

:::...:::...:::...:::

The drive to her place was somber.

All the bright neon lights looked dull and gray to me. The flowers and passing greenery all looked gray. I'm sure it could be a bright sunny day without a single cloud in the sky and it would still look a thunderstorm is brewing to me.

Sakura glanced at me, feeling bad that she couldn't say or do anything that could make the situation better. She hated seeing me suffer as much as I hate actually suffering. Her empathy is what makes things slightly more worse. Once again, my actions have inadvertently hurt her. There is no reason that she should feel as bad as me. She should be happy, but unfortunately misery loves company.

"Don't feel sorry for me." I spoke suddenly.

"I can't help it Sasuke." She sighs.

The fact that she feels bad for me is what makes it settle in more. My boyfriend of three years is pissed at me because I told him the truth. I didn't dream I told him or make someone else tell him. _I_ told him. I confirmed all the rumors that I have spent years lying to him about.

While the public saw me as this cheap whore, he didn't see it. When they tried to warn him about me, he didn't believe it. I made sure that he only saw the best in me, because he would treat me like everyone else does if he knew what I was really like.

All that hard work, gone.

My head starts spinning, trying to internalize what this meant for my future. I start breathing shallowly, at the thought of living without him or anyone who actually loved me. It was a stunning revelation that I can't come to grips with. "Sakura," I call out. "Stop the car. Please."

I don't even wait for her to come to a complete stop as she pulled over. I rushed to get out of the car, stumbling around like a drunkard. Whatever little amount of food I had in the past few hours decides to force it's way back up. Pale brown bile spews onto the gray concrete.

I hear various voices of concern, but I don't pay them any mind. Someone calls my name, I try to focus on that person, but my vision has deteriorated to the point of only seeing blurry shadows. My legs start to feel numb, like they can't support me anymore

A familiar presence stands near me, and chants something about breathing. Slowly all the lights in the world go dark, and the shadows become indecipherable. My body descends backward.

:::...:::...:::...:::

I wake up to the sound of constant beeping. I move my hand to shut off what I think is just an annoying alarm, but it felt different. The device my hand rested on was bulkier than the alarms that I'm used to. My hand slips, feeling a bunch of cord-like things.

When I open my eyes, I wince at the obnoxiously bright lights. The first thing I look at is the thing I mistook for an alarm. It looked like a heart monitor or something. I fight to sit up, despite the fatigue my body feels. How the hell did I end up here?

The door opens to reveal an elated Sakura. "You're finally awake!" She shouts, confusing me even further. The girl runs toward me and wraps her arms around my body. "Oh my goodness! I don't think you understand how worried I was about you."

None of this still made any sense. "Why am I here?"

She pulls away from me slightly, giving me an inquisitive look. "You don't remember?"

I shake my head. The last thing I remember was being in my apartment with her. I doubt we did anything that would cause me to have to be here. I'm pretty sure we didn't go out drinking or anything, so I couldn't be here for alcohol poisoning.

"You had a panic attack last night." She informs rather bluntly.

I look at her as if she has grown an extra limb on her forehead. I haven't had a panic attack in nearly ten years. "Why?"

She looks everywhere, except at me. Every time she is trying to hide something, she could never look me in the eye. Sakura and I could lie to almost any person in the world, except each other. When our eyes do meet for a moment, I can tell she was trying to formulate a good lie to tell. She plasters on a fake, though convincing, smile. "It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that you're okay."

"Sakura, tell me the truth."

The pinkette bites her bottom lip. "If you don't remember, than you're better off not knowing." She tries to reason.

I grab her by the chin and force her to look at me. I know I don't have the nicest gaze to meet, but it helps to persuade people into giving me what I want. "I won't ask again, Sakura. Tell me what happened."

"I don't know," She whispers, feeling thoroughly intimidated. "I think you started freaking out about telling Naruto the truth."

I release her, sitting back to ponder why something like that would set me off. He didn't explicitly say that our relationship was over or that he wanted to never see me again. There is a small chance that it could still work. He just needs time to think about what he wants to do.

In the meantime, I just have to wait for him to come around.


End file.
